Real Estate One-Liners
Tuesday, August 26th 2014 11:11 pm

Real Estate One-Liners

Here, in a bid to make your hump day a little lighter..real estate jokes from around the web...

This country is great. Its the only place where you can borrow money for a down payment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.

Sign next to FSBO: We shoot every third agent and the 2nd one just left.

My realtor sold me a two story house- one story before the sale, another after.

This house is 5 minutes from shopping if you have an airplane.

Home sickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.

If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.

Realtor signWe have lots to be thankful for.

The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of todays young families is to get one.

If you owe the bank $100, thats your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, thats the banks problem.

They have an all-electric home. Everything in it has been charged.

I found happiness in my own back yard, but my neighbor claims it is on his side of the property line.

Real Estate Agent Ad: If we dont sell your house within two weeks, we will gladly refund every cent you have not paid us yet.

A couple sees an ad that says Beautiful large home in great shape $1,000.
It must be a misprint, but they call anyway. A lady answers and says its not a misprint. They race over and find its easily worth a million bucks. They ask the seller whats the catch?
The lady assures the couple there is no catch, but they are leery.
The lady says ok, Ill tell you the truth last week my Husband informed me that he is leaving me for his secretary. He said I could have everything except the proceeds from the sale of the house. I agreed and he asked me if I could sell the house while he and his new girlfriend hung out in the Caribbean? SOLD!

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage.

If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.

My buyers went through debt consolidation. Now they have only one bill they won't pay.

I listed a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years there hasn't been any maintenance.

Did you hear about Robin Hood's house? It has a little John.

My agent was always smiling. I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a barracuda.

A Happy Home is a place where each spouse entertains the possibility that the other may be right though neither
believes it.

By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn't.

A Modern home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything
except make the payments.

The house has a wall to wall carpet and back to wall payment.

A typical home has a TV set that is adjusted better than the kids.

House problem: The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren't.

Our new house has one down payment and 240 darn payments.

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,800.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $80,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great!, before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $750,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it..." "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $720,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?"

What is Home?
A roof to keep out the rain. Four walls to keep out the wind. Floors to keep out the cold. Yes, but home is more
than that. It is the laugh of a baby, the song of a mother, the strength of a father. Warmth of living hearts, light
from happy eyes, kindness, loyalty, comradeship. Home is first school and first church for young ones, where
they learn what is right, what is good and what is kind. Where they go for comfort when they are hurt or sick.
Where joy is shared and sorrow eased. Where fathers and mothers are respected and loved. Where children are
wanted. Where the simplest food is good enough for kings because it is earned. Where money is not so
important as loving-kindness. Where even the teakettle sings from happiness. That is home. God bless it.
Ernestine Schumann-Heink

I hope this makes your Wednesday a little more fun-just remember there's only one more day between you and Friday!!